Prediction

Hey Andy,

So we just got off of the phone and we are celebrating our 1 year Anniversary today. I seriously am going to go to sleep so that I can get some rest before Saturday but a question came up on the phone tonight that I wanted to write down the answer to. You asked me when I thought you are going to propose... I think that you are going to do that on THIS Saturday night (Oct.13th) after our family birthday party celebration. I couldn't tell you that though because then you might change it or something. You also told me tonight that you don't have the ring... I think that you have bought it and you don't have it in your possession or you are lying... either way, I think it is coming soon.

I also wonder if you are talking to my parents before I get there on Saturday to get their approval. I may have all of these things built up in my mind and you might not actually pop the question this weekend but I'm just writing down my prediction in case you do that way I have documented proof. Love you :)

Secrets Revealed

My Dearest Andy,

So we talked on the phone today before my canoeing class about how this blog existed. Now all of the sudden I'm very nervous about you finding this and reading things that I would prefer you to read later on in our relationship... like after we say "I do". I was never really that good at secrets but I kept this one for a good 9 months.

Anyways... If you're reading these things now you already know that I'm so madly in love with you it is ridiculous. I am so blessed with the gift of our friendship and I love the intimacy that we get to experience with each other now through friendship and one day when we're married we can dive completely into each other with no boundaries because our hearts will be one. BAH! I cannot wait!

So while we are talking about that let me be real for a second. I love that you are still ministering to people even where you are at but I am wearing thin with patience wanting to belong to you. Facebook is the worst as well. The advertisements on the side of that screen just show ring after ring and it makes me long for the day when you ask me that question. I know that you love me as well but to actually hear those words come from your lips is going to make me melt. I love how strong of a man you are and can't wait to be the woman who is clearly your number one fan. But again, I feel like you know all of this. I'm not sure how effective these letters are going to be now that this blog isn't so secretive and we're pretty open in communication now anyways that we both know our future looks like we're going to be together. I like you a lot friend, I wish we weren't apart. 

Girl Talk

So Becca was over the other day before Evangelism training and stuff. I have to admit that the last time we hung out, I believe Wednesday night, the cuddling was awesome but after it was over I felt that I had pushed things too far and was analyzing why I let that happen. My justification was that I wanted more emotional connection from you so to get what I wanted I gave you more physical intimacy. I was praying about it also and the boundary that I crossed was if I lead you to a mental struggle. I'm really going to work on self control to not allow that to keep happening. Probably not the best of ideas about pushing physical intimacy to receive emotional gratificaiton but after talking with Becca she said she struggled with that too and not that it is right but it's what all girls do.  On Thursday talking with Becca this was the first time that I have ever said out loud that I want to marry you someday.  I want you to be my best friend for the rest of our lives and saying it out loud made me sure that it was the right thing. Not just something I say and then regret it a few days later. I want so badly for you to say that you want the same thing, to know that you like me that much too.

Saying love isn't an option because that's crossing our boundaries, and I'm sure that you haven't brought this up because you don't want to cross boundaries. I like that so much and how you are protecting both of us from crossing lines that will create us to struggle, or just rush into things that we aren't ready for. I agree that where we are right now isn't ready for marriage but the more we hang out and talk the more I become certain about us. I'm about to write you the letter we promised each other for the beginning of the semester so I'm going to leave some of the affirming words for that but I cherish your friendship and I absolutely adore you, I may even be gutsy enough to tell you I love you right now... but you won't be reading this for a long time :)

In Denial

Today is the day we are both heading back up to school after Christmas break. It was quite the vacation considering we both spent Christmas with each other's families. This was a huge step in the world of emotional boundaries because you got to see why I'm such a weirdo and I got to meet your cousin Keith who declared I ruined Christmas, it was a great time by all.

After I left your Christmas and went to Alyse's house I spent the next two hours freaking out on her couch about nothing basically. Everything fit together and was crazy how much your family members reminded me of my family members and everything. I am still wanting to become better friends first and foremost, but I think I know now. You know the saying... you know when you know. Yuck... makes me all nervous inside and makes me freak out. Remember, you weren't apart of my plan Senior year and now that you've happened I'm all confused about my timeline that I planned out and stuff.... yeah we're not supposed to do that but I did. I planned a whole lot of things in life and then you came and were all great and stuff.

Anyway, I was looking at all my other friendships and was examining why we were so close. With most of the people that I consider best friends we've been on mission trips together or served together at Timber-lee so we have this bond of working together to further God's kingdom. We are kind of doing that at school but we're not really together in the same witcom so it's different. Becky told me that after Timber-lee this summer things should be a lot more clear as to what life holds. I'm hoping that after Timber-lee you'll be even more of a best friend who I can rely on. I'm excited to see you tonight but alas, I need to keep packing so I can actually get to school on time.

Phone Calls and Music

Hey Andy!

Ironically we got off the phone with each other about an hour ago but I can't stop thinking about you. Tonight's conversation with Taylor really shook me up by the way. We talked about spending the year together possibly over seas and me not doing Timber-lee's LCM program. After she told me those things I started crying... yes, she made fun of me (I cry a lot and she made a joke about my tear ducts being the craziest tear ducts she's ever known of). It was the thought of not being near you that made me really upset. Then I began getting upset at myself for caring too much. Not that I can tell you this to your face, which is probably why I made you this super sonic secret blog site, but I think I'm falling in love with you. Wow, writing that out was very strange but I'm not erasing it... there it is. November 27th, 2011, there are my thoughts about you.

On the phone with Taylor as I continued to cry like a little sally I tried explaining to Taylor was I was freaking out. What really makes me scared about this relationship business is that I've been doing my best to not only maintain physical purity but emotional purity too. Relationships kind of have that unspoken rule that you talk about emotional things... to uh, build emotional connects and stuff. I've been praying about this daily and just asking God to stop things from getting too serious if this isn't His will... and not just saying that but really asking Him to intervene. He keeps reassuring me that this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm keeping my eyes focused on Him and what makes me at ease with this is that I know you are doing the same.

The other part of the conversation that made me laugh on the inside was the fact that you wouldn't let me listen to a "good" country song (if that even exists) because I would read into it even after you told me not to. I did read those lyrics to the song "A Woman Like You". First of all... super cheesy and lame. That song is in no way applicable to what we have for the reasons that you don't play golf, or fish... and stuff. BUT here's a fun fact that I have always been too embarrassed to tell you is that the playlist on your Amazon Cloud Player entitled "Summer" has been read into all over the place. :) You told me that you liked me at that point in time and as soon as I saw that playlist and the songs in it (which are mostly about starting relationships/liking someone) I started reading into them. Not to mention that the song "Where We Gonna Go From Here" by Mat Kearny is like the anthem of all anthems for what was going on for this summer. Ok, but for real, I'm going to stop reading into songs and I'm still going to stay away from country music. That's just dangerous water.

I'm also really happy you're not going to name your future child Hurricane or the other name that you gave the monkey hat. I'm really happy we're dating and I'm excited to see what the future holds for us. I'm excited to see you tomorrow for our date at Steve's! I miss you like crazy right now... but I'm not going to cry; that already happened in the phone conversation with Taylor.

The First of Many

Well to start out I'm going to just preface myself with the thought that I really love to journal and get my thoughts out by just writing them down. I do get nervous about blogging however because this isn't a journal... it's online. Yikes! I don't know if this is available to people to look at or how good a job I will do at keeping this hidden but for now I would like to write and I would like to have my thoughts out and if this helps people along a similar path with similar thoughts maybe it will be beneficial for this to be online.

As a young Christian woman I am trying to follow the Bible and continue to listen to God's words as I go about a new dating relationship that is happening. When I was in 8th grade I decided to take Joshua Harris' advice and "Kiss Dating Goodbye" but now that I am in college I've decided to try the new (and scary) path of giving my heart away slowly and cautiously as I continue to seek out if God is directing me down this path, which He has blessed so far. With dating and being a Christian there is obviously a lot that goes into what is appropriate to talk about to keep boundaries and what not so I don't get the opportunity to tell my boyfriend what is actually going on in my head. So tonight (at a ridiculous time of night) I've decided to write a blog about my thoughts and maybe someday he'll get to read them.

So, if you are reading this and you are not Andy... have fun. This is going to be as true as I can make it and it may get weird. That's what girls are good at.

Andy-
So, as you may know we are both on Thanksgiving break right now. You are visiting your family up North and I'm here in South Wayne. This is the longest we've been apart since our relationship started a month and a half ago so I knew it would be a challenge to not see you everyday but this is really hard. We've even been talking on the phone the past couple days! It's not like we are completely disconnected so one would think this would be easy.

The things that I want to tell you but am refusing to tell you are probably quite honestly easy to pick out. Girls jump into things so unbelievably fast with planning their whole future so I'm trying to be as cautious as I can with keeping my emotions in check. You make it terribly hard though! It's not even during the times that you are speaking to me with your kind words that get me; it's when you are around other people and they strive to get your attention because they value your friendship and wisdom in the Lord. The men of your Bible study can't spend enough time with you and respect you so much! You are a great leader and when you talk about Jesus you speak with authority and have opinions that are backed up with facts and you don't speak passionately about what you don't know. It's something truly remarkable. I am in awe of it and I look forward to the time that you choose to spend with me because I feel very special that you have chosen me out of a crowd of people calling your name to spend time with.

I was reading a Don Miller article the other day in the library and something that stuck out to me was women needing to be pure and put up with the hard times and lonely nights that come. He also talked about women going through those times and then finding someone worth their time how they should let the person they are with know about those nights... so Andy, let me tell you about those nights.

When I started college and moved in with Ryan and Christine I was pretty apprehensive to even talk to a boy let alone date a boy. Ryan affirmed me and told me that he encouraged me, since I was now out of high school, to date if I felt led to date. I have told you some stories about working at the grocery store Sullivans' but there is something much deeper too. At the time I felt extremely weak because while all of these guys were paying attention to me I would go home and cry at night because of how lonely I was and crying out to God because these boys at the store weren't part of his plan. I was frustrated because why could there be five guys who would willingly date me but weren't following Christ yet 0 Christ followers were pursing me. There were a few nights that I almost went out with those guys because I was so tired of being lonely but God put something else in my path, friends inviting me over or homework that needed to be done. I know that his hand was in the process of me growing to rely on him more and persevering through the awful lonely times. I remember feeling incredibly ugly and of course impatient... That may have been partly do with age as well, who knows?!

This might be enough for one night, I'm sure there will be more to come.