Girl Talk

So Becca was over the other day before Evangelism training and stuff. I have to admit that the last time we hung out, I believe Wednesday night, the cuddling was awesome but after it was over I felt that I had pushed things too far and was analyzing why I let that happen. My justification was that I wanted more emotional connection from you so to get what I wanted I gave you more physical intimacy. I was praying about it also and the boundary that I crossed was if I lead you to a mental struggle. I'm really going to work on self control to not allow that to keep happening. Probably not the best of ideas about pushing physical intimacy to receive emotional gratificaiton but after talking with Becca she said she struggled with that too and not that it is right but it's what all girls do.  On Thursday talking with Becca this was the first time that I have ever said out loud that I want to marry you someday.  I want you to be my best friend for the rest of our lives and saying it out loud made me sure that it was the right thing. Not just something I say and then regret it a few days later. I want so badly for you to say that you want the same thing, to know that you like me that much too.

Saying love isn't an option because that's crossing our boundaries, and I'm sure that you haven't brought this up because you don't want to cross boundaries. I like that so much and how you are protecting both of us from crossing lines that will create us to struggle, or just rush into things that we aren't ready for. I agree that where we are right now isn't ready for marriage but the more we hang out and talk the more I become certain about us. I'm about to write you the letter we promised each other for the beginning of the semester so I'm going to leave some of the affirming words for that but I cherish your friendship and I absolutely adore you, I may even be gutsy enough to tell you I love you right now... but you won't be reading this for a long time :)

In Denial

Today is the day we are both heading back up to school after Christmas break. It was quite the vacation considering we both spent Christmas with each other's families. This was a huge step in the world of emotional boundaries because you got to see why I'm such a weirdo and I got to meet your cousin Keith who declared I ruined Christmas, it was a great time by all.

After I left your Christmas and went to Alyse's house I spent the next two hours freaking out on her couch about nothing basically. Everything fit together and was crazy how much your family members reminded me of my family members and everything. I am still wanting to become better friends first and foremost, but I think I know now. You know the saying... you know when you know. Yuck... makes me all nervous inside and makes me freak out. Remember, you weren't apart of my plan Senior year and now that you've happened I'm all confused about my timeline that I planned out and stuff.... yeah we're not supposed to do that but I did. I planned a whole lot of things in life and then you came and were all great and stuff.

Anyway, I was looking at all my other friendships and was examining why we were so close. With most of the people that I consider best friends we've been on mission trips together or served together at Timber-lee so we have this bond of working together to further God's kingdom. We are kind of doing that at school but we're not really together in the same witcom so it's different. Becky told me that after Timber-lee this summer things should be a lot more clear as to what life holds. I'm hoping that after Timber-lee you'll be even more of a best friend who I can rely on. I'm excited to see you tonight but alas, I need to keep packing so I can actually get to school on time.